This weekend was my first trip to Big Sur i did not catch poison oak.  This time of year, with lots of drought going around, there is plenty of red to remind me of leprosy effects it has on me.

but this Urushiol oozing toxic warfare oil monster takes many forms and many disguises, often mimicking the surrounding neighbors.  Even when i’m looking for it, which is always in these parts after scrambling up Jade Cove one summer to find only oozing plasma and blood covering my arms instead of any Jade in my pocket, invariably there are the “oh shit, it’s hiding here too!” moments.

After months of painful skin grafts and oxygen therapy my arms healed and the scars are not too noticeable.  i researched all i could about Urushiol and how to remove the lipid soluble before my skin falls off (Fells Naptha Soap FTW).

Grandma Spider told me it grows wherever First Nation people spilt blood and in their footsteps as they fled the white invaders. To this day it still plagues the tenderfoot as we destroy the environment, and i have only seen the source of its reproduction once, a young singular flower cluster wrapped around a road gate right where the lock and chain hung. my introduction to a new young queen was like this,

“hi gaspo, i’m a pretty white and pink flower growing where your hands need to go.”

“oh, hullo pretty flower, i have not seen the likes of you before, how do you do?”

“i’m a flower, i do love. how do you do?”

“oh, i’m a human, i destroy things.  and you are in my way. i’m a curious fellow so before i rip you off the post likely killing you, what kind of leaves do you have? ”

“()\()/()”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”.

This weekend, i was mostly looking up, as i like to do, as we drove into the campground.  everything on the ground was nicely manicured, even power blower after the rain, (who runs a leaf blower in the forest?) so was not really paying much attention to the ground cover itself.   Lucky, my first step out of the car it was pretty much the only plant life in my field of vision.  Indeed, the entire ground cover in this pic is poison oak, with a ~1% of berry and others hiding.

there must be a Queen nearby….

i originally began cataloguing the many forms her vile offspring had taken, pondering the imeme “i have not assumed my Final Form yet!”, cursing my camera for failing to go into macro focus by mind command, i knew i was close to the ever elusive MOAPO, when indeed, i found her.

Towering over my head, disguised as a tree, bearing thousands of Geiger’esque egg/seed pods over a stream soon to flow with drought busting rains, there she was.  The Mother of All Poison Oak.  The source of the “redman’s revenge” to those who do not pay attention to the world around them.

i immediately visioned myself as “Ripley” aka the Aliens movies, longing for a flame thrower and a stiff breeze to stand up wind from her ponderous virility as i bravely battle for the fate of all Earth….

yes, this is poison oak, the leaves are most all gone, sorry for the terrible focus, but there are identifiable poison oak leaves on the same stems as these berries.  There is some other vine/lantana type thing growing in there too, but is darker stemmed, which is what i saw at first glance, till i looked again, and again, and found multiple confirmed taxinomical confirmations.

OMFG, MOAPA !!!!!!